MY AUNT JEANNIE: Have you seen all this stuff on the news about Taco Bell?
ME: Yeah. Whoa.
AJ: They keep talking about it, and I’m craving tacos like crazy.
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I am so much readier for Christmas than anyone I know. Which means: I am so much readier than all of you sorry people, who will be trolling the malls on Christmas Eve while I’m getting drunk and eating my weight in shrimp. And you’ll all be wild-eyed at 2 a.m. on Christmas, ferociously wrapping your last-minute purchases, while I’m ferociously wrapping my brother’s last minute purchases while he watches, wild-eyed, having trolled the mall all day.
Because I am gay, I started my Christmas shopping in October. In Lauren’s Anal-Retentive Christmas Village, we leave very little to chance.
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2 CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS IN THE MONTO HOUSEHOLD*
* My brother and sister and I must decorate the tree together. Mom doesn’t help, but we make her be the DJ. We’ve been doing this since we were little, except that when we were little, getting drunk wasn’t mandatory.
* There’s this ornament we hang up every year. On one side is a photograph of me when I was little, and on the other side is a picture of Andrea. Every time one of us goes near the tree, we make sure our own face is facing outward. This isn’t fun for anyone except me and Andi, but I swear it’s our favorite game. And since I don’t live at home, Andrea has an unfair advantage, but I’ve upped the ante: Whenever I think of it (and I do…often) I call my brother and make him stop whatever he’s doing so that he can switch the ornament to the side that has my face on it. It totally screws with Andrea’s head, and that, my friends, is my favorite way to pass the time.
I am so much readier for Christmas than anyone I know. Which means: I am so much readier than all of you sorry people, who will be trolling the malls on Christmas Eve while I’m getting drunk and eating my weight in shrimp. And you’ll all be wild-eyed at 2 a.m. on Christmas, ferociously wrapping your last-minute purchases, while I’m ferociously wrapping my brother’s last minute purchases while he watches, wild-eyed, having trolled the mall all day.
Because I am gay, I started my Christmas shopping in October. In Lauren’s Anal-Retentive Christmas Village, we leave very little to chance.
----------
2 CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS IN THE MONTO HOUSEHOLD*
* My brother and sister and I must decorate the tree together. Mom doesn’t help, but we make her be the DJ. We’ve been doing this since we were little, except that when we were little, getting drunk wasn’t mandatory.
* There’s this ornament we hang up every year. On one side is a photograph of me when I was little, and on the other side is a picture of Andrea. Every time one of us goes near the tree, we make sure our own face is facing outward. This isn’t fun for anyone except me and Andi, but I swear it’s our favorite game. And since I don’t live at home, Andrea has an unfair advantage, but I’ve upped the ante: Whenever I think of it (and I do…often) I call my brother and make him stop whatever he’s doing so that he can switch the ornament to the side that has my face on it. It totally screws with Andrea’s head, and that, my friends, is my favorite way to pass the time.
